The Book Lovers are still relaxing somewhere warm and cozy (or that’s what they wish) so today Nina Blackman-Statleon (aka cranky, potty mouth vampire from Accidentally Dead) will tell us why you shouldn’t read books written by her creator Dakota Cassidy. Please give her warm welcome.
So Susi was all nice and invited Dakota Cassidy to guest blog. Dakota writes several series. My name is Nina, and I’m from her paranormal series titled, The Accidentals. It’s a series about women who’ve been accidentally bitten by one nuttier than squirrel turds shapeshifter or another. There are a bunch, and quite honestly, I’ve lost count of the damn things because it seems like I’ve been in a gabillion bad situations since my book. But I was in book two. I’m a vampire. End promotional type spiel.
That brings me to this. Diva, er… Dakota’s busy right now, inventing new ways to torture me, her mouthy vampire creation in more accidental books. Now that I’ve had my HEA (or some such acronym nonsense), I’m always a secondary character. Nice, right?
I hope while she’s burnin’ all those brain cells writing those books she doesn’t make up more prissy friends for me. Friends that like to hit the designer outlet malls in Jersey (insert gagging here) and do their nails. I have two already, and trust me when I tell you, Marty the werewolf and Wanda the halfsie, or werevamp to you humans, are way more “friend” than this cranky paranormal can handle.
Anyway, because Dakota’s ideas are all used up with her latest absolutely, incredibly outrageously inane story, I generously offered to step in and blog and tell you why you shouldn’t read her books.
That’s right. I said shouldn’t.
I know. I know. Most authors’ characters would nevah dream of turning on their creators. We characters should be thankful we’ve been given life even if it’s only on paper. Well, there’s digital and the Kindle now, but you get the drift. We should bow and scrape because said nutjob author gave me a hot vampire man—for eternity. In general I’m supposed kiss her booty because if not for her, I wouldn’t exist. Blah-blah-blah.
But I’m here to tell you—she’ll ruin your life, if she gets her hands on you. I got a beef with this broad, and she’d better duck, ‘cause I’m going to give you the top five reasons why you shouldn’t (nevernevernever) read a Dakota Cassidy book.
The facts are these:
1. Um, hello. She turned me into a vampire. Vampire. Dude’s, I was all innocently eating Ring-Dings and chicken wings until she got her hands on me. Now I drink blood, read minds and I can fly. While some might think that’s cool, it’s hell on you if you’re altitude challenged. I could have been anything. A rocket scientist. A supermodel. The Dog Whisperer. But nay. Again, I say—vampire.
2. She is batcrap certifiable. I can’t tell you the insane danger she puts me in every single stupid book because I’m not a panty waste. And not only am I a vampire, but I’m a vampire with a bad attitude. When I call you some really creative names via language that does even the raunchiest sailor proud—that’s on her. Add to that, I’m impatient, I have no censor and I can kick an entire football team’s ass—well, it leaves making friends hard on a girl. I’m mean, people. Mean and ornery, and I get some serious flak for it.
3. I have BFF’s who not in a trillion light years would I consider being friends with if I hadn’t been accidentally bitten and had to turn to them for help. See, smart-ass that Dakota is, her first book is about frilly/shop till you drop/color coordinated Marty who’s turned into a werewolf. She decided to give Marty two friends to offset Marty’s sort of vain, shallow asshattery. She wanted to make us all very different. And Cheebus effin’, did she ever. The least she could have done was make me more shopping friendly, right?
4. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I’m cranky and I have BFF’s who’d make you spork your eyeballs out after five minutes with them—Dakota gave us a business to run. (This is a long rant. Hold on to your panties). Okay, scratch that. It’s not a business. It’s more like supernatural charity. See, she thought if us three chicks were “accidentally” bitten, then there must be others like us. You know, roaming the world all pathetic because they have no one to show them the paranormal way.
So she gave us an organization called OOPS. Out In The Open Paranormal Support. Now, me, Marty and Wanda run a stupid 1-800 helpline where every crank who needs his biology teacher gobbled up by a werewolf calls to prank us. Not. Effin’ Funny. Wanda calls us paranormal crisis counselors. Because I, of all people, should counsel. I shouldn’t be allowed to counsel a goldfish.
Anyway, I’m there day and night just waiting for the phone to ring—and when there’s a legit call, my job is to buy the Kleenex in bulk at Costco because there’s always crying once someone finds out their an iguana for life. Okay. No iguana’s so far, but you catch my drift. It’s time better spent cleaning my castle. Oh, yeah. She did give me a castle.
5. And finally, the number one reason you shouldn’t read a Dakota Cassidy book. You won’t sparkle. Look, here’s the thing. I know some people think the sparkly vampire thing’s a little out there, and me being the cranky, tomboy vampire Dakota turned me into would never stand for that crap. But then, if she’d made me sparkly in the sunlight, she’d be a whole lot richer, now wouldn’t she? As a result, not only could she retire and quit writin’ this crazy crap she calls literature, but she’d own a private island off the coast of Hush-Hush. She’d have more money than a Hilton. I’d be in a mega-million dollar movie and I could join Team Jacob without feeling like a dirty old vampire.
The bonus score? I’d never have to shop with those two loons Marty and Wanda again.
So think twice before picking up one of Dakota’s books—or you, too, could end up like me 🙂
For every comment you leave here you’re getting an extra entry for the main giveaway if you entered our Big Blogoversary Giveaway here.
All you have to do is tell us why we should or shouldn’t read Dakota’s Books.
(You can read our full giveaway policy here
Giveaway ends on Friday February 4th and we will announce the winner on Sunday.