It is my rather sad duty to inform you all that by the time you are reading this, I shall most certainly be dead.
My untimely demise was foreseen by Chuck Wendig at WorldCon. Whilst chatting with him about the utter perfection of Blackbirds (Someone explain to me how he failed to win the not-Hugo?), he was overcome with a premonition of death. Specifically, mine. Which was inscribed in the book for posterity:
“You will die when this book literally burrows into your brain.”
(Note: Angry Robot is clearly in on this. The next Friday the 13th is in December. When The Cormorant will be released. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!)
My home has become the most terrifying place. My beloved books are now the enemy. Quietly sitting there. Plotting my demise.
It will start when Feed hacks my Twitter and begins gnawing on any exposed flesh. While I am trying wrest control of my electronic devices, The Wee Free Men will surely commence one of their epic drunken binges, leaving a trail of empty bottles and shattered glass strewn throughout my apartment. By that time It will no doubt begin manifesting my worst nightmares…..
My college roommates warned me that it was insane to surround myself with such sociopathic literature.
I thought about attempting to contain the deadlier volumes (Rachel recommends freezing them) – but then I realized surrounding myself with child-eating crocodiles and the like would only make things THAT MUCH WORSE. Remember The StayPuft Marshmellow Man?
At any rate, I’ll eventually end up trying to escape. Running in blind panic, unable to see the deadly traps left by the Nac Mac Feegle, I’ll suffer a catastrophic fall. It is at this point, stunned, blood dripping into my eyes, that Blackbirds will begin drilling into my skull.
I’ll admit the remote possibility that the books could kill me without going full-blown Skynet. I could end up prosiacally buried under my book hoard. A well-placed blow the temple would suffice. Or perhaps Blackbirds will fall into open mouth as I scream for help, cutting off my airsupply and ultimately killing me.
Cause of Death? Book.
Although Isaac Asimov was a fierce critic of religion and New Age thinking, the Japanese doomsday cult Aum Shinrikyo was heavily influenced by his “Foundation” series of novels.
Aum was using the Foundation series as the blueprint for the cult’s long term plans. [...] Asahara directed his scientists to create a variety of chemical and biological weapons to fight their enemies. When the predicted apocalypse wasn’t forthcoming, Asahara decided to take matters into his own hands. On March 20, 1995, some of his followers released sarin gas in the Tokyo subway, killing 12 people and injuring more than 5,000.
Two infamous U.S. bombers were allegedly inspired by fictional works, and serial killers/kidnappers/rapists often blame books for their crazy-ass-shit. At this point a SWAT team will shoot you for daring to read a book in their presence. Because if there is one thing U.S. police forces are educated on, it is the danger of books.
So. Fellow Book Lovers, on this Friday the 13th, we are here to warn you: Watch your books closely for signs of treachery and malice. And be wary of reading in the presence of armed police officers. They know the book is the enemy, but have notoriously bad aim, and might just shoot you by mistake.